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Thursday, April 13, 2006

Just before I dozed off...

The lights are switched off. I am left alone with my thoughts. As the eyes adjust, I see shadows moving across the walls. Nothing is clear: neither outside nor inside.

Something that I have always imagined while walking alone is the warm feeling of a surprise hug from behind from that unknown special somebody.

The trashy magazine section of the useless newspaper listed out symptoms of a relationship addict. It seems I am one. That might explain a lot of things.

The exams are here and I have done nothing in the name of preparation. It isn't the 'I have done it but I don't recall anything' feeling. It is the 'I have never ever done it' one. What's worse is the 'I don't want to do it'. If I can't do this, how will I do what I had planned ahead? Why can I not see a pattern in my past? Something that will tell me where I am headed?

All that I see are things I don't want to see. I can't hide from them in the darkness when all the lights are switched off and I am alone with my thoughts.

And then the voice inside says.."There is no reason why anyone would love you"

2 Comments:

At April 14, 2006 10:11 PM, Blogger Jade said...

I could have written this post. Except that I would never be as honest and brutal with myself as you are. And aren't you being needlessly brutal? In denial lies the key to happiness, my friend. :)

 
At June 03, 2006 12:05 PM, Blogger Aparna Mudi said...

dear priestess
well the shadows the thoughts might have told you other wise.....but well i think one reason 'anyone would love you' is you write beautifully
and wel not in the way u are expecting...i really love the way u write...blunt...to the point....wish i had the gift.

i dont know who i am to lecture or 'tell you'...
u know the most important thing comes to being.....do u love urself?
then nothing else will matter ...it comes from a person who is always seeking love but well people will love you anyway....
dont hide...its like fighting a losing battle.....go ahead and face it headlong...if not anything else...it will ease the pain....
well pretence is a lovely way to avoid ur own feelings.....i resort to it often....more often than i would like to admit... but that is surely more hurting than saying 'ok, here i am ! so what the f**k?'

ur life ur decisions....but the nights will always do this...and well people do get tired of hiding isnt it?

 

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